The Missing Sandviches
by Kuristofu
Summary: Heavy was looking forward to his delicious Sandviches for a long time, but when they are stolen, he tries to find out who did this evil deed. Now the team has to find out who did it while defending the base. Will be written with accents. Mini series.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 – Sandvich Delay

All was going well in the RED team's headquarters. It was a great day at Gold Mine. Soldier was talking to the heads he collected during battle. Sniper was fixing his van, even though he was supposed to keep watch. Engineer was fixing up the dispensers. The rest of the team started to prepare for the battles against the BLU team.

Only a few people were still in a deep sleep. Medic fell asleep from trying to kill the BLU Spy's immortal head. The BLU Spy head didn't want to wake Medic up because he remembers something about sticking something up his head-hole.

He decided to bounce towards the fridge to get some wine for breakfast. Heavy was just sleeping because he was up all night tending to his gun, Sasha. This time, Scout was up early because it was his turn to cook breakfast for the team. You can probably guess what he was cooking. Yup, pancakes.

Demoman jumped into each of their rooms to rudely wake them up. "Medic! Wake up you sad sack o' crap!" Demoman said as he slapped Medic with his broken whiskey bottle. "Eh, I don't vant to. I've been up studying the spy's head." Medic looked at the desk but he did not find the head.

"Vhat the- Oh nein! Where is that dumm-kopf?" Medic started to search around everywhere for the head. He found him in the fridge, drunk. "How are you drunk so early in the day? Especially on that cheap wine? Typical frenchie."

The BLU Spy dropped the wine bottle from his mouth and started to roll around. "Don't you talk to me like that you fool! Why haven't you killed me yet? It sucks living as a head." Medic took the empty glass from the fridge and threw it in the garbage. "Later." Medic said as he closed the fridge door. "OH MONAMI! What a world!" the spy cried out as the fridge was being closed.

Demoman slammed the door open to Heavy's room and yelled, "Fire in the hole!" Heavy heard what Demoman said and ran to his closet to barricade himself from the explosive shot. A few seconds passed by, but nothing happened. Heavy took a peek and realized it was a fake.

"Demoman, you surprised me. I thought you became crazy or something."

"Eh, don't worry my boy, I haven't lost my sanity yet."

Heavy pondered what Demoman meant by that remark, but he was too tired to continue caring.

As the team walked to the cafeteria, Heavy was extremely excited because today was Saturday. Saturday is Sandvich day. The base will have a section just for the delicious Sandviches all day. "Oh it is happy time!" Heavy said as he was running towards the cafeteria doors.

The RED Spy heard Heavy and cringed in disgust. "Fatty!" the RED Spy said as he saw Heavy running down the hall. The medic came up to the red Spy and hit him on the head. "Quiet dumm-kopf, or you will be joining the BLU Spy. By the way, he drank all your wine." The RED Spy was in great shock. His cigarette fell out of his wide open mouth. "That devious bastard! I was supposed to save that for Scout's mom!" the blue Spy ran off to Medic's room.

Since Heavy was fat, he was not first in line. As he took a tray and went down the section, he could not find a single sign of a Sandvich anywhere. "Oh noo! Where are my precious Sandviches? Scout, tell me where they are!" Heavy looked at Scout in anger. Scout ran toward Heavy to exchange his anger as well. "I didn't finish making them punk. Don't get so pissy. I'll finish them soon. Eat some pancakes. It's better than your stupid diabetes on a bun!" Heavy became furious at Scout and they started to have a debate on which food tastes better.

"In Soviet Russia, Sandvich eat you!"

"What? Russia? That vodka filled place? The Bronx can kick Russia's ass any time!"

"Hey! Move along maggots! These pancakes are getting cold!" Soldier said as he was still standing in the line. "This is not over." Heavy said. "I'll be back." Scout rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever pal." Heavy picked up 3 pancakes and put it one his tray. He got out of the line and sat next to Medic. "Medic I am so sad! I want to eat Sandvich now!" The medic patted him on the back. "Oh, don't worry. Scout vill fix them up around lunch." Heavy moaned and took a bite out of his pancake.

While the RED team was eating breakfast, the BLU team was planning an attack. "Alright listen up men!" the BLU Soldier yelled to catch the team's attention. "Today we are going to fight here, at Gold Rush. We have a cart full of explosives that we will need to push into their base. Let's practice what we're going to do. Any questions?"

The room was silent for a moment. The noise of a cough awkwardly filled the air. The BLU Engineer raised his hand and asked, "Where's Spy?" Everyone in the room looked around, but sadly, they did not find the blue Spy. The blue Sniper and the blue Soldier went to look for him and found the headless body of the BLU Spy. "Oh no! His head? Where is it? I bet the RED Soldier took it. That bastard! He's going to pay for this!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Stolen Sandviches

As the hour was drawing near for the battle and Heavy's Sandviches, both teams were planning and practicing different battle plans. All of them were in the zone, everyone, except the RED Heavy. He was just hungry. For most of the morning, he was complaining about not having his delectable Sandvich. The Medic just told him to shrug it off, but Heavy was having a hard time doing it. "Quit being such a baby. Maybe the BLU Heavy will have a Sandvich you can pry out of his hands, ja?" Heavy started to get that in his head. He decided to fight for that Sandvich. "Ok! I can't wait to pry that delicious Sandvich out of his cold, dead, decrepit hands!" At last Heavy and his stomach were ready to fight. When the Medic was back in his room to prepare hos gear, he realized that the BLU Spy head was gone. He saw the window, open. "Oh nein! Where is he? Oh no what if he's going back to his base as we speak?"

"….and that's where you will stay Sniper." the BLU Soldier said as he was pointing to a location on the map. "What about me sir?" the BLU Pyro asked. "You can sneak your way past here, and burn whoever passes you; just make sure you continue to be hidden." Suddenly, the door burst open but no one was there. "What in tarnation?" the BLU Engineer said. "Down here you fool." The team looked down and saw the BLU Spy's head.

"Spy? Why are you a talking head?"

"I tried to infiltrate the RED base, but I was caught and at first, I was killed, but then I came back to life somehow. I remember the RED Medic trying to kill my head but nothing happened. I was invincible. That's when the RED Medic started to do all these nasty experiments on me. Oh thank God I escaped. He was going to stick something up my head."

"How did you escape?"

"The RED Spy came to the room, something about how I drank his wine. I don't remember what he said exactly, I was drunk.

"When are you not drunk?"

"Ferme la bouche you idiot! Anyway, he opened the window and threw me out in a rage. If I wasn't drunk that would hurt a lot but that would not matter because I'm immortal. I stumbled back here to you guys."

"Well while you were there, did you found out about anything?"

"Oh indeed, I found out something that could be quite useful for us…"

As the RED team's offensive position was going to their posts, Scout was about to finish making the Sanviches. "Sandviches! They're ready!" Heavy quickly ran to the cafeteria and saw the delectable Sandviches. "Oh no you don't! Don't you have to actually use these Sanviches for the team's benefit? When you need one, get one you fatty." Heavy was mad but decided to ignore it and just focus on getting the BLU Heavy's Sandvich, if he has one that is.

The countdown to the battle was getting smaller and smaller and Heavy's appetite was getting bigger and bigger. Both teams saw each other at opposite posts. Final adjustments were being made. They were starting to build Dispensers and Sentry Guns. They all used their sprays on the walls. The walls were filled with Mudkips, Fluttershy motivational posters, and meme posters. It was horrific. Both Spies got into a fight about who would win Scout's mother and they started mouthing off in French. The time to fight was nearing it's less than five seconds mark. Five, four, three, two, one… the gate opened. The RED team came out of the base and started shooting like madmen. The BLU and RED team picked off many warriors. It looked like they were taking turns killing the opposite team member. The RED and BLU Spys were all having a knife fight. They were so skilled, they made the tiny blades look as useful as a sword.

For once, Heavy ran as fast as a cheetah out of the RED base. He annihilated BLU Pyro's and BLU Soldiers with his trusty gun, Sasha. He was closer to the BLU team's explosives than anyone else on the RED team, but of course, no one has a better motivator than prying a Sandvich out of the BLU Heavy's cold, dead hands.

As Heavy was about to turn he saw a BLU Sentry. It almost shot him in to tiny pieces. "Oh no that almost hit me. Just because I am hungry doesn't mean I've become a fool. I have to destroy these Sentries before their explosives get here. "The RED Soldier caught up with the sweaty Heavy and had a malicious grin on his face. "Don't worry, I've got this, ha ha ha!" The RED Soldier used his weapon to gain some air and he landed on the ceiling.

"It's time to kick some ass, and chew bubble gum… and I'm all outta gum."

"Wrong game dumbass."

"Right whatever. I just had to say it!"

Soldier jumped down and as he was falling, he started to shoot at the Sentries and the BLU Engineers that were making more. Heavy heard the commotion and knew that the Soldier did a job well done. As he turned to go follow him, Heavy saw the Soldier getting sniped. "Soldier! OH NOOO DIS IS BAD!" Heavy ran as fast as he could and tried to drag the wounded RED Soldier out of the open area.

"Soldier are you ok?"

"I'm afraid I won't make it maggot. This wound looks to serious."

"We just need the Medic to come, don't die on me!"

"We're far from the others. I don't think I will be alive before they come. Just remember, fight for that Sandvich Heavy, and fight dammit."

With that final wish, Soldier's head tilted as his life was leaving his body. "NOOOOOOOO!" Heavy became angry, all his hunger rushed up to his head and he ran into the open field and started firing like a madman, picking off every BLU enemy he laid his eyes on.

After killing that group of enemies, Heavy was weak. He could really use a Sandvich. Luckily the team caught up with him. As they saw the Soldier lying dead there next to a cross that Heavy tried to make they were all in silence. The silence was broken when they heard the crate of explosives nearing the checkpoint. "Heavy, go to Scout's food stand, he made one a few blocks back in one of the buildings. You can find your Sandviches there." The Engineer said. Heavy dashed over to the stand.

"Yo, your Sandviches are done. I heard what happen to the Soldier. I guess the tough guy finally went down. Damn shame." The Scout said. "Without him, we couldn't have advanced. God bless him." Heavy said. As he was about to pick up a Sandvich, the room blackened. There was a swift wind in the room. The lights came back on. The Sandviches were missing. Heavy had a look on his face, a look of shat pants.

"Heavy…. you ok man?"

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – Heavy Detective Guy

"Who took all of the Sandviches?" Heavy asked as he dropped to the floor and started to sob. Everyone in the room started to look at each other worriedly. "Aw c'mon!" The RED Scout yelled. "All that freakin' work, for nothing'!" The RED Medic dashed to the cafeteria. He slammed the doors open with a loud slam! "This is terrible! Ze BLU Spy's head! It's gone!" Everyone in the cafeteria gasped in horror at this terrible news. "He must have snatched them Sandviches and ran away with em'!" The RED Engineer exclaimed.

"That's impossible! How could a simple head just run away with like 50 of those things?" The RED Scout asked. "Maybe he went back to his own base and got surgery or sumthin'." Everyone in the room started to talk about who might of done this dastardly deed. It was so loud and annoying to the poor Heavy.

"Everyone shut up!" Heavy yelled furiously. "We must think about who did it properly! Now Medic, do you know what the time was from the last time you saw his head and from when you said it was missing?

"Eh, ja! I do! It was around 7. I was going to prepare for the battle. I was thirzty as well so I went to get a drink. I noticed his head was not there. It probably had something to do with our Spy. He must have let him out a while he was trying to salvage the wine he bought for Scout's mother."

"He bought wine for my what?"

"Nothing Scout Just don't listen ja?."

"This is the RED Spy's fault then!" The RED Soldier said. "Let's kick his ass!"

The doors to the cafeteria slammed open again. Everyone look to towards where the noise was coming from. "Well I don't think we need to worry about that anymore do we mates?" The RED Sniper said as he threw the dead RED Spy's body on one of the tables. "It's pretty gruesome out there. We're losing men right after the very first second the step into the field." The RED Sniper took his hat off to how respect for the dead RED Spy. "Where did you find him?" Heavy asked. "I found him when he was still alive. He was fighting with a BLU Heavy. I tried to save him but I didn't have enough time to reload my gun. I took out my Kukri and ran towards the BLU Heavy. I didn't save him in time though." "So that's why you're covered in blood. The BLU Heavy must have had some boxing career ahead of him." The RED Scout said.

"Did you see a BLU Spy walk around somewhere?" The RED Medic asked. "No, but there is still a chance that he is out there." Heavy pondered what he just heard for a little bit. "Ok so right now all we know is, Spy went to check the wine. The BLU Spy had a chance to escape. Medic found out the head was missing. The battle started a few minutes after that. I went to fight for a little. The Sandviches disappeared. Medic came to say the head was missing. Scout came to bring the RED Spy's dead body here. Around the time from the battle I was in and to the time the Sandviches were missing, the BLU Medic definitely had a chance to operate on the Spy's head to reattach him to a body."

As the group was thinking who stole the food, the rest of the team had to fight on an empty stomach. The RED team struggled so much. It was an endless catastrophe. "I think I might have known who planned this!" The RED Sniper exclaimed. "The BLU Soldier must have planned this. Only he would have known how to plan something so carefully. He would know that without Sandviches the team would suffer." "Nein! We need to know who did it! Not who planned it!" The BLU Medic yelled crazily! "I need that head! Can you imagine what I would happen if I found a way to kill it? I would get my license back!" Heavy paced around the room wondering about what that Sniper said. "If it was the BLU Soldiers plan, we must get in his mind to find out who he would send. If only our Soldier was alive, he would know in a heartbeat."

Everyone tried to think of the possible people he would choose. They started by brushing away the people who would obviously not be able to do it. "We can all agree that the BLU Heavy definitely didn't do it right?" The RED Scout asked in a silly manner. "Right!" everyone said in unison. "It was not ze BLU Soldier, Engineer, and it was definitely not ze BLU Medic. He's probably teaming up with some other BLU Heavy." The RED Medic said. "It wasn't that BLU Demoman. That wanker definitely can't be sneaky. He's to butthurt all the time…." The RED Sniper said. "It isn't that BLU Scout, yeah he's fast, but not as fast as our RED Scout here. This kid can dodge Sentry bullets." The RED Engineer said. "It was not that BLU Pyro. We would hear him breathing through that mask." The RED Scout said. "It isn't the BLU Sniper. I remember killing him in that horde of BLU enemies." The Heavy said. "It was definitely that BLU Spy. He would have been invisible or in a disguise. His invisibility would only last 9 seconds. He must have used a disguise. He would also of gotten some intel. After all, you might as well try to destroy your enemy completely while you have the chance."

Everyone wondered if there was any suspicious behavior around the time of the robbery. "Could it be possible that ze BLU Spy is still here, after all. We are ze only ones we can question at the moment." The RED Medic explained. "Looks like we are gonna have to question each person." Everyone in that group was questioned to see if they were the BLU Spy. They were all asked questions they would personally know like is America a real country or what they think is delicious. It was finally the Sniper's turn. The RED Sniper stuttered a little bit while he was being questioned.

"Ok, we have all of the results. Sniper you seem to be the most likely. The RED Scout said. "I'm afraid not. Please this is getting embarrassing." The RED Sniper accidently blurted out. There was a muffled voice from somewhere. "You fool! You blew our cover!" "What was noise?" Heavy asked. The lights suddenly turned off again. A few seconds later they turned back on. The Sniper and the RED Spy's body was gone. "Oh nein! Where did they go?"

They immediately dashed outside. They were scouring high and low for that Sniper. The RED Scout used the dead RED Soldier's weapon to jump to higher places. He saw a him running with the RED Spy on his back but for some reason, he didn't get out of his disguise. The RED Scout reported where they were. The RED Scout used the RED Soldier's weapon to jump from building to building to catch up to them. The group trapped them in a corner.

"Reveal yourself Spy!" The RED Engineer demanded. "Please! I'm not a Spy don't kill me!" the RED Sniper pleaded. "Why in tarnation should we believe you?" The RED Engineer asked in anger. "It's true I am the real BLU Spy. The RED Spy turned into a BLU Spy before the group's eyes. "That Spy is a Spy!" The RED Engineer yelled. "You fool, you doomed me!" The BLU Spy took his knife out and stabbed the RED Sniper. Heavy quickly shot him with Sasha. The BLU Spy dropped to the ground choking on his own blood.

"Sniper, are you alright?"

"I'm still tickin'"

"Why did you do this?"

"I did it for my family. If I obeyed their orders, they would free them. Listen, the Sandviches are behind the BLU teams base. Under the pantry room, there is a safe with all of the Sandviches."

"Sniper don't die!"

The RED Sniper's eyes began to close. With one final breath, his life escaped his body.

"NOOOOOOOO! We need to get win this battle now! We lost 2 great men. We must avenge them! Medic are you ready to make me bulletproof again?"

"It's dangerous, we only did this a few times. I never even fixed some of the bugs."

"I don't care it's the only way!"

The group dashed towards cart with the enemy explosives. "We can't let them bring the cart to our base! Medic! Make me fell powerful again!" With one flip of a switch Heavy became invincible again. He could feel the power flowing through him. He dashed through the horde of BLU enemies. He shot them, punched them, and kicked them all down to a pile of raw meat. The RED team pushed back the cart as Heavy kept destroying the BLU team. The cart finally reached the BLU base. The RED team quickly took the Sandviches and destroyed the BLU base.

"Oh boy! It is happy hour! Time to eat my Sandvich!" Right before Heavy was about to take a bite, the Scout slapped it out of his hands. "Oh no you don't! You didn't complete 10 achievements yet!"

Heavy's eye started to twitch. His face started show beads of sweat flow down. Once again, he had a look of shat pants. "!"


End file.
